Marriage Classes part 3

Today Elder Brinley talked about the 3 levels of communication:

1. Superficial (used 80-90% of the time) with little investment of personal risk
2. Personal (used 5-15% of the time) where more risk is involved, people share their ideas, opinions and values, and are sensitive to how others react
3. Validation (used 2-5% of the time) which is ALWAYS positive - expressing appreciation, love and giving compliments - but has much more risk, and can sound mushy/phony/like flattery when too overdone. Validation is food for the soul.

He made the point that it's not that we don't know how to communicate, it's that we don't feel like risking our inner feelings, for fear of being criticized or rejected.

The process of falling in love follows these levels of communication - we being superficially and gradually deepen over time. He then said that life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you and who you've shared your most personal experiences with, leading Satan's assault.  A sure sign of self mastery is allowing some things to pass without comment or response.

President Hinckley said most problems in marriage often start with selfishness. True love blooms when we care more about another person than we do ourselves. Elder Brinley reminded us not to forget the good in our spouses/children. Criticism destroys relationships, where the only safe level of communication becomes superficial. Emotions and feelings become blunted or never get the chance to bloom.

He then gave heaps of examples of families or couples he has dealt with. Then he got us to try to be the "therapist" and figure out what one particular father/daughter situation needed. His point was, when we need to solve a problem, first repent and say something genuine, heartfelt and apologetic, but do NOT ignore the problem. 

President McKay said that couples should never argue or tease each other even in jest. We should never keep secrets from each other, and we should always keep what goes on in our home and family private. 

Elder Brinley also described shaping - which is reinforcing good behaviour by complimenting. This is more effective than negative discipline.

He pointed out that we learn to be good husbands/wives for our spouses from our OWN husband/wife.

One example he shared was about an LDS family who were going to see a non-LDS therapist (a friend of Elder Brinley's).  The therapist wasn't sure how to get through to the family to get them to communicate, so he asked Elder Brinley's advice. He said "pretend you're interested in the church and ask them to explain the War in Heaven". So he did that, and the mother of the family started to get animated and describe the story, until she got to the part where Satan volunteered, and then she went tight-lipped and stopped speaking. She realized that they (the parents) were trying to take away their children's agency and this was not in accordance with God's plan. After this incident the family learned to open up to each other again.

At the end of the class Elder Brinley gave us a handout of a list of personal topics to discuss with your spouse and examples of showing validation. He is so thought-provoking, I'm going to be sad when the classes are done!