Boo, it was the last class! We actually ran out of time and he didn't get to finish but although he hinted at possibly adding another session I think it's over.
Anyway today's topic was meta-communication. Talking about talking! Or discussing how to communicate to fix something together.
Elder Brinley said the 2 main reasons for marital jams are:
- selfishness/pride (what the Prophets say is the main cause of divorce)
- heart problem (what the Lord says in D&C 117:11 is littleness of soul)
then he gave a lot of examples of these kinds of people, some of the interesting ones he listed are:
- LDS members who don't home/visit teach every month!
- Faculty/PhD egos
- people who leave their junk on the floor (I promise he said these, I'm not making them up)
- sports/TV fanatics
- overweight people who don't have a genetic problem -who will leave their spouse a widow/er because of lack of self control
- those who don't serve missions
- those who gossip (in the church we call it "just sharing information")
- those who monopolize conversations
- opinionated beyond good sense
- "those who suck the joy out of life on a daily basis"
In contrast, those with soft hearts are sensitive to new converts/neighbours, compliment speakers, and perform service regularly.
Then he listed 9 marital roles we have:
- spouse (NOT the same as dating)
- Kinship (inlaws)
- sexual
- Parent
- housekeeping
- provider
- therapist
- recreation
- Religious
we learn most of these roles from others, our parents, and most importantly our spouse.
Role expectations are what you consider normal behaviour you expect from yourself, spouse and others.
Role performances are how you actually carry out a role
Role discrepancy is the difference between the two.
Then Elder Brinley gave some examples of couples who had certain role expectations for their spouses before they got married, but realized after marriage that the spouse didn't meet those expectations. Some examples were the wife cooking and cleaning, keeping their clothes neat and tidy, a husband rearranged/organized his wife's closet for her, a wife requiring boundaries when it came to using the bathroom.
How should we resolve role discrepancies?
- Evaluate how Christlike we are
- Realize that the person who knows best about that is needed or wanted in your marriage is your spouse. As we learn from each other we change our role expectations.
- We should repent/apologize!
He said happily married people kneel in couples prayer at least 2 times a day. They attend the Temple, hold FHE, go on dates, read the scriptures and are intimate. The first element should be an eternal perspective, that we understand our origins and the purpose of mortality. Our spouse was our choice, it's probably the first time for both parties involved. Marriage requires faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, wholesome recreational activities.
He then concluded by quoting the lyrics from The Last Touch. It's such a sweet song that I found it online and copied it:
Their first touch at seventeen was in the park,
And the moon was full.
She was beautiful to him,
And her hair was long and her eyes were blue
And her skin was warm and she turned to him.
And he thought that he knew what love was.
Another touch was at twenty-two,
On their wedding night.
And the stars were bright.
She was beautiful to him.
And her hair smelled sweet and her lips were full
And her skin was warm and she turned to him
And he thought that he knew what love was.
And then again at twenty-five, when the baby came
And the sun was high.
She was beautiful to him.
And her hair was damp and her fingers shook
And her skin was warm and she turned to him.
And he thought that he knew what love was.
Later on at fifty-four, setting on the porch,
All the children gone.
She was beautiful to him.
And her hair was grey and her forehead lined
And her skin was warm and she turned to him.
And he thought that he knew what love was.
Their last touch at eighty-five was by her bed
And the moon was full.
She was beautiful to him.
And her hair was thin and her eyes were closed
And her skin was cold and He turned to her,
And he knew that he knew what love was.
After eighty-five years of laughter and tears
He knew that he knew what love was.
-Carol Lynn Pearson and Lex de Azevedo
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